Sunday, March 26, 2006

Property - Chapter Thirteen

Summer soon overshadowed spring, and yet, Kagome still found herself in the little gardener's hut. The grass had grown tall and trees fairly glittered in the sunlight. Kagome supposed that she should admire the plethora of flowers. Just several months ago, they had been hidden entirely under the snow.

Like on that night with Sesshoumaru.

The gardeners were quite industrious, and Kagome found herself learning from them. How to plant. How to water. How to transplant. How to weed. Kagome liked watering the plants. It was easy and straightforward. And some plant always needed to be watered.

It kept her mind off of Sesshoumaru.

The rumors had died down from the raging fire it had been, but people still looked at her askance. Her father had not formally disinherited her, but she rather suspected that it was only a matter of time. Some very important person would pressure father and she would be declared dead to the family. In the meantime, she remained at the gardener's hut. Souta had been instated as the Higurashi heir. Kagome rarely saw her family, never talked to them, and certainly never joined them for dinner anymore.

It would feel odd anyways, since the last dinner she had enjoyed with them was with Sesshoumaru by her side.

Kagome kept on telling herself that she should pack up and leave. The gardeners did their job better than she, and her family would certainly rather see her gone. There were places to be, a world to see. And she kept on telling herself that she needed more bread—the kitchen had run out tonight. Or that it was raining—and she might as well start on a day of good weather. Or that a certain flower wasn't looking healthy, and maybe she'd stay just a week or two more to make it better. It wasn't as if she was in any hurry. She had been absolved of all responsibilities but herself.

Sometimes, Kagome would see a flutter of white hair in the distance, and her heart would flutter unexplainably. She would tell herself that she was being stupid. Then, the figure would come close enough for her to identify him as Inuyasha. It wasn't like she actually expected anybody else, but she'd still feel a sudden bout of lethargy and go in and lie on her cot for the rest of the day.

It was a nice cot. It was plain and narrow, but it was clean and sturdy. She wasn't the heir anymore, not even part of the royal family, practically speaking, and she should be satisfied with the cot. And she was. After a few days, she no longer felt the scratchiness of the blanket or the rigidity of the cot.

Some nights, though, she'd wake up in the middle of the night, wondering why nobody was beside her.

It was silly... very silly, she told herself as she refilled the watering can. She accidentally spilled some water on her kimono and slippers, but it was sunny outside and they would dry. She should leave, Kagome knew. It was sunny, and the kitchen had bread, and the flowers were fine. Today was the perfect day to pack and leave.

But she had to finish watering the flowers. The gardeners expected her to. It was already afternoon, and by the time she was done, it would be almost evening, with a scant four or five hours left of the summer day. If she were to travel, she might as well start early in the morning.

So she lugged her watering can and watered all the flowers. She even weeded a little part of the garden before she became too confused between the flowers and the weeds. After that, there was a quick dinner of bread and water and she found herself lying on her bed as the last of the sunlight lit the dusty hut.

She couldn't leave tomorrow, either, Kagome thought as she was falling asleep. She needed to bathe tomorrow and wash the dirty clothes. The clothes would need time to dry. Besides, she had to tell the gardeners that she was, in fact, leaving.

So, no, she couldn't leave tomorrow, either.

"Where's Miroku?" Sango's father, Nobu, asked Sango with reservation. His daughter had returned to the taijiya village, dressed in her exterminator clothes and with blood on her weapon, Hiraikotsu. He wondered if her reticent unhappiness was due to the marriage, but so far, he had seen neither hide nor hair of his son-in-law.

"Oh, he got busy," Sango answered airily. "I want to know what assignments you have."

"There's a neighboring village to the east needing a caterpillar youkai exterminated. A spider youkai in a village to the south. There's a band of youkai about a day's travel from here. I was thinking about sending the five best of ours to handle them... they can always signal for reinforcements..." Nobu trailed off as he realized that there were only three requests for youkai termination, less than half of the usual number.

He should be happy that youkai are harassing humans less and less, but instead he worried that the youkai were banding up or biding their time to plan something more destructive. He worried a little about what they would do if youkai simply stopped attacking humans. Would the village starve? Mostly, though, he worried over the two contradicting rumors he had heard. One was that there was a youkai—or was it hanyou?—who claimed he would share the Shikon no Tama's power with all his followers. The youkai was gathering followers. The other rumor, though, said that the Western Lands were in firm hands again and that several new codes have been passed, including safety of the humans. Strange, that, coming from a youkai territory.

"I'll go exterminate the youkai bandits," Sango announced suddenly, startling her father out of his thoughts.

Nobu looked at his daughter carefully. "You can't go alone."

"I won't. I'll have Kirara and Hiraikotsu with me."

Nobu sighed. "I should at least send some men with you."

"I'll signal for them if I need them." Sango patted Hiraikotsu by her side. "Men are not as reliable as Kirara and my boomerang, anyways.'

She was strong, Nobu knew. He had trained her himself. She might even be the second strongest warrior in the village, second only to himself. But she was his daughter, and he worried for her. Still, he knew that he could no longer dictate to her. He would send men to camp near the village, though, so they would be able to respond instantly if she signaled for aid.

Changing topics, he asked, "Where's Miroku?"

Sango sighed. She should not have expected her father to have forgotten about his absentee son-in-law. They were sitting on the edge of the porch, and she swung her legs a little as she answered, "I'd like to know that, too."

"How did you get separated after the wedding?"

"What wedding?" Sango heard herself laughing, but after a look at his father's face, she stopped. "He never showed up." She hiccupped. "He stopped at the village next to the Higurashi house and never showed up to the wedding."

Another hiccup.

"I'm sorry."

"I'm so angry," Sango found herself saying. Her mouth didn't seem to want to stop. "I'm so angry!" Hiccup. Her knuckles were white from her tight fists. "How dare he not show up? And when I asked him"—hiccup—"he won't even give a reason! No reason!" Her hands were trembling by her sides. Must be from the anger.

"I'm sorry, Sango," Nobu said as he searched for something adequate the console his daughter.

"I'm going to find him," she said and hiccupped. "I'm going to castrate him and skin him and jab his eyes out with burning tongs to make him tell me why—why..."—hiccup—"why!—he just didn't show up to our wedding."

Nobu remained silent. He didn't know how to help his daughter. But he certainly intended to find Miroku and demand retribution.

"He didn't even bother to make up an excuse, dad," Sango continued. "I thought he loved me, and he didn't even try to tell me what was wrong with me." Hiccup.

Nobu interjected, "There's nothing wrong—"

"Well, it's not like I care. I'm better off without him. I just wanted to know, why!"

Nobu looked at his daughter. Suddenly, he understood something. "You loved him."

Sango shook her head as she hiccupped. "He's not worthy of being loved."

A weird plop landed on her leg. It must be raining, she thought. She looked up to see vague impressions of blue. She blinked a couple of times to clear her vision, but it didn't help very much, and then something was running down her cheeks.

I'm crying, she thought. She never cried. But she was crying for a stupid man who had left her. He was unworthy of being cried over. And yet, she was crying over him.

She chuckled and hiccupped through her tears. "I guess I did love him."

Nobu put an arm over his daughter, who had always been so strong, for him, for Kohaku, and for the whole village. He patted her as she leaned against him. "Sometimes, some things happen."

"But why?" Sango could barely understand the words out of her own mouth. She was a blubbering mess.


"I don't want to be philosophical."

"Some things just are and some things just aren't meant to be," Nobu answered. "But you can always go and torture him for the reason."

Sango smiled. "I think I will."

"Are you still going to exterminate a band of youkai by yourself?"

Sango punched her father lightly on the shoulder. "Of course I am. I would never back down from a taijiya mission and stain my honor."

Nobu laughed, content that his daughter, even if still suffering from her loss, was already on her road to recovery.

Kikyou and Inuyasha were happy.

She had started enjoying the little things in life. She liked walking down the hall, because sometimes she'd see Inuyasha. She liked taking walks in the gardens, because sometimes she's meet and talk with Inuyasha. At dinner, Inuyasha would send messages to her through his eyes. And at night, he snuck into her room and she giggled like a little girl.

And yet... there was something very... pastel about the whole arrangement.

Inuyasha was careful not to bring up any topics that could bring bad memories or cause disagreements. He held and touched her carefully, never going further than she asked, and it made her wonder to where his passion gone.

For her part, she was ever vigilant of how she worded things, careful not to give commands. She kept her emotions in check, fearful that he would feel any negativity through the bond and their cautiously reconstructed relationship would fall to ruins.

They were happy together.

They were always with each other and smiling at each other. They walked with each other, and she held onto his arm. They talked about everything under the sun.

And about none of the past that was stashed away in the dark recesses of their memories.

But they were happy. And together.

Except for some reason, everything seemed washed out and pale to Kikyou. Their time together seemed rehearsed. She already knew which flowers would be pointed at next they walked down the garden. She already how he would react to her comments. She already knew where and when they would meet in the halls and every word they would say.

The spontaneity was gone.

But Kikyou could accept that. After all, they were both changed. They weren't rash and immature anymore. The rose-colored glasses had shattered with misunderstanding.

But he was Inuyasha and they were together. And happy.

Kikyou clung to that knowledge.

All would be well, because... well, Inuyasha was still dashing and gallant and just a little bit shy. Kikyou was quiet and taciturn, but her eyes would always lit up when she saw him. They would be fine together because... well, Kikyou wouldn't give any commands and Inuyasha would not do anything rash and both of them would stay far away from the quicksand of bad memories.

Izayoi's favorite flowers had withered under the summer sun. Now, Sesshoumaru could only see the bright blues and reds and yellows through the window. They had sprung up in time for the summer sun, but come autumn, they would betray the gardeners and desert the gardens.

He wouldn't mourn their loss. Another wave of them would simply take over the gardens again next summer. And next summer. And the summer after. Until the end of time.

Or until somebody decided to destroy the gardens.

Sesshoumaru turned away from the garden. He loathed wasting time. Every waking moment since his return had been spent on some political thing or another. A rebellion averted here. A dispute settled there. One minor lord requests that perhaps...? No.

And yet, there didn't seem to be enough to do. Freedom felt strange, he thought, after five hundred years or service. It felt hollow as he stared out the window.

Every free moment seemed like a moment to think and to reflect.

He saw the gardens and reflected on how the last time he had noticed a garden was when the snow still covered the garden at the Higurashi house.

When he was working or arbitrating or sleeping, he could pretend that freedom was sweet and that he didn't feel so... empty inside.

He sat at dinner with his father, and felt the shadow of a ghost of a memory. He would feel agitated, and his father would tell him sternly to clamp it down. Or did he want to start a war in the Taiyoukai house?

Maybe he did.

Sesshoumaru had stopped trying to analyze himself because he had stopped making sense. There had been anger and hurt and betrayal when Kagome had repudiated him, but his father had long since convinced him that it was to his own advantage anyways, and he had placed the priestess in the back of his mind, where memories were left to drift away.

A human aura skittered past his door, and he suddenly stood alert, before he realized that it was just Rin, and there was none of that... priestess fire in the aura.

He turned back to work, but there was not very much to be done, and he would finish too soon, with too much time left to remember.

"You love her, don't you?" Touga asked Sesshoumaru suddenly, breaking the silence that had settled into the room.

"No," Sesshoumaru answered clearly as he looked studiously out the window. There was no need to define "her." Outside, the flowers were mere shades of gray under the clouded night sky.

After a pause, he confessed, "I might have loved someone. A figure of my imagination. But that wasn't her."

"Can you ever know somebody completely?" His father asked. A strange question, that.

Sesshoumaru considered. "No." He wished for some of the startlingly white winter blossom. But maybe even that would have appeared gray under the clouded sky. "But I know that I didn't love her."

"Maybe she is not so different from what you imagined—"

"Maybe. But she never told me her reasons and I suppose I'll never know."

It started raining outside. A short, summer shower, no doubt. A passing one.

"I know you blame Inuyasha for Izayoi's death," Touga said suddenly.

"Not entirely."

Touga sighed and found a chair to sit in. "You know, I loved her."

Sesshoumaru nodded. "You mated her even though she was human."

Touga turned over baubles of fond memories in his head and smiled. "But I was scared, too. I wondered if I truly loved her. I wondered if she was what she seemed. I wondered if she would be a weakness or change or try to change me."

"But you still mated her."

"I made a blood-bound between us, so I could know her emotions and if she was in trouble and protect her." Touga shifted and leaned deeper into the seat. He could see Sesshoumaru out of the corner of his eyes. "I married her and slept with her. I made vows and completed the first part of the mating bond. But I never finished it."

Startled, Sesshoumaru turned to look at his father, but Touga was looking away, far into the shadows of the room.

"I was scared," Touga started again. "A completed mating bond bound two souls together. I thought if I only completed the first half, I could always finish the second half later. And if I didn't like Izayoi so much or if she or I changed, we could still live with each other until her human death, and it wouldn't be such a long time.

"You know about the mating bond, Sesshoumaru. The blood-bond gives you access to her feelings and where she is so that you can protect her. The first half of the mating bond binds your auras together. The last part weaves them together so that the life forces can feed into each other."

Touga stared resolutely ahead. "So, you see, I killed Izayoi."

Sesshoumaru tried to make sense of that, but couldn't. "I don't see."

Touga sighed heavily. "The first half of the mating bond usually kills humans. You know this. Youki is a naturally aggressive force whereas human auras are naturally inert. Youki tend to overpower human auras when bound to them. In priestesses, it's different, because their auras are so big that they manage to keep the youki in check instead of being overwhelmed by the youki."

Sesshoumaru nodded. He still didn't see how this had led to his mother's death, though.

"Do you know what auras are?"

"The expressions of our spirits."

"That's what I told you," Touga said. "But I have since learned that they are our spirits. When you suffocate someone's aura, you force the connection between body and soul to break. Youki is reparable when hurt physically, because they are not physical entities, but battered enough, they can cause death.

"Do you know what spirits are?"

"They are reflections of our emotions."

"Something else I told you. But actually, they are our emotions. A youki of love swells. A youki of hopelessness shrivels."

Sesshoumaru took in this new information. He wondered what had changed Touga's perceptions on such basic concepts.

"I only bound our auras together," Touga continued with his story. "And then Naraku attacked us and fatally wounded both of us. Inuyasha sought to save us—yes, he was trying to help us—and the Wolf Prince offered his lair as our sanctuary, and looked to find humans to aid us.

"But we were both fatally wounded. I had insisted that Izayoi be brought to safety first, since the Wolf Prince refused to endanger his men. He was the only one there. So Izayoi was carried away to safety, thinking that I had fatal wounds and was probably left to die.

"She despaired. She loved me and she despaired when she thought that she would have to live on without me. The Wolf Prince could not console her. She would not believe him when he said that I was still alive. And her soul—and her aura—shriveled as she thought herself into a depression.

"And I had only completed the first part of the mating bond, thinking that if all worked out, I could finish it later. But I never got a chance to, because her aura had shriveled and had stopped resisting mine. My youki overwhelmed her aura and her soul fled."

For a long moment, father and son remained silent. The clouds had moved and moonlight lit the flowers again, bringing a faint glow to their petals.

"So," Touga concluded. "You shouldn't blame Inuyasha for Izayoi's death."

Sesshoumaru looked at his father. "Are you saying that I should blame you?"

"I was young and uncertain," Touga explained. He told himself that he was not trying to find excuses. "I tried to calculate everything, make sure that every option was left open, every possibility accounted for. But sometimes, I would be better off letting things develop as they should...

"I still make that mistake sometimes," Touga confessed. He would have gone further, about how maybe Kagome had loved Sesshoumaru. Maybe Sesshoumaru should blame Touga instead of Kagome. But he had confessed one mistake tonight and he did not feel up to more. Maybe tomorrow, or next week, he would tell Sesshoumaru about what had transpired during the negotiation with Kagome, because he didn't want Sesshoumaru to feel betrayed.

But if Sesshoumaru loved Kagome... if she returned his love... if they married... The Western Lands would still fall apart in an heirless marriage. Or, worse, a hanyou heir would be seen as a weakness to be eliminated. It would have worked if Sesshoumaru already had a legitimate heir, but it was too late for that now.

So, he didn't tell Sesshoumaru what had happened.

"Did it hurt?" Sesshoumaru asked suddenly.

Touga smiled in the memory. "Like repudiation," he answered. Izayoi's death had proven him to be an unfit protector. The half-formed mating bond had snapped and debilitated him completely for weeks. He wondered at his son's strength that Sesshoumaru was already being productive and acting as the Taiyoukai heir.

He worried, too, that Sesshoumaru was keeping it all in and that one day, he would simply break.

"You should go see Kagome," Touga suggested gently.

Sesshoumaru turned sharply to his father. See Kagome? His heart started stumbling in his chest and for some reason, he felt strangely panicked.

"For some closure," Touga added. "You can always bring Rin and Jaken if you would like some company."

It was a good suggestion, Sesshoumaru admitted. And the shadowed room came into sharp focus again as he thought of seeing Kagome. The pain of her repudiation was still there, but he thought that he should ask her for her reasons. Maybe she had his best interests at heart. Maybe her father forbade her to entangle herself with him. Maybe his father laid it down as a condition for peace. It would be just like the Kagome he knew to repudiate him for such stupid reasons.

His mind was already calculating on how much they would need to pack. Ah-un would have to come along, since Rin didn't like walking. They could stop by at the wolf's caves on the way, ask him what he knew about Kagome.

Oh, gods, Kagome had better not be married to Kouga, Sesshoumaru thought suddenly. They should travel fast. Leave tomorrow. Even if the Kouga and Kagome were engaged, they couldn't possibly be married already. It had been only what... a month? Two? Surely, Kagome's father would not have forced Kagome to marry Kouga already.

He must inform Rin now. Rin seemed to like Kagome, and he could say... he was bringing Rin to let her get more in touch with humans. Surely, Hiroshi Higurashi would not turn down Rin, even if he thought Sesshoumaru might be hostile.


Anonymous said...

Hi there I read your stories here and in ff.n and I just want to say that this story is really great and that hopefully you start writing it again. because you have been keeping alot of people in suspense, so hope you update soon.

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